Yes, I know the simple answer would be ME of course!  But let’s go a little deeper.

I had an experience today where I thought it was me, the 56 year old spiritual coach, teacher, mom, friend, etc who was shopping in the rock store (looking for crystals that might help me sleep more soundly and consistently).

But when I looked at it a little closer, with the help of my fellow spiritual teacher and good friend, I realized that while the grown-up me was certainly present and had also made the choice on the stones and paid for them, there was another little girl part of me that was quite “thrown” by the whole experience.

The rock store had a lot of energy to it – for those of you who know about these things – you know what I mean . . . and for those that don’t . . . well  . . . everything has energy and certain rocks, stones, crystals have VERY strong vibrations which is why they are frequently used by healers.

What was interesting for me today was to recognize a familiar pattern – that being – that when my energy gets “overwhelmed” or “confused” . . . I “read” it as DANGER.

Yup.  I do.

And when my friend questioned me about that . . . I told her how as a child, my lawyer-through-and-through-father was VERY insistent that every response to every question or situation be logical.  He valued logic and discarded feelings so I was taught from my youngest memories to come up with logical responses to any question or situation and if I didn’t . . . there was usually a price to pay.

So as a child, how that affected me emotionally (among other ways) was that I would get scared if I encountered situations or questions that I couldn’t explain logically.  I would be scared of being punished – which I was regularly – sometimes In a rather draconian way and sometimes just a “normal” punishment – but almost always a punishment.

But I hadn’t identified, until today, the connection for me of “overwhelm” / “confusion” to “danger” and what that means is that for an awful lot of times over many years, I’ve been letting my inner child call the shots!

That’s OK of course – if I could have done better I would have done better but I couldn’t so I didn’t.  But here’s the really good news .  .  .

Now that I KNOW . . . I can definitely do “better” . . . .

And better for me will be to have more conscious awareness the next time I feel confused or overwhelm.  I can then remember that I am now a grown woman and no one is out there to punish me except for me! J  And hopefully I will choose NOT to continue THAT particular pattern of abuse!

So that’s the lesson in this post.

Next time you feel yourself reacting fearfully . . . see if you can catch yourself and ask yourself “how old am I emotionally right now?”  If you get an answer similar to mine . . . about being a child . . . then see if you can follow that through and ask what does that remind you of in your childhood.

Remember,  what you are looking for here isn’t to beat yourself up or your parents or whomever raised you.  What you are looking for is to take your power back and act from the powerful adult that you currently are, while having some compassion and understanding for that part of you.

As another dear friend frequently says . . . awareness precedes consciousness . . . so realize what a real gift it is to become aware of these previously hidden triggers and give yourself a big pat on the back for it!

Remember also – no emotions are all “bad” or “good” . . . . but recognizing what you are feeling and WHY can empower you to make a different choice next time.

And I’m all for having POWER and multiple choices! : )


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