Maybe you do and maybe you don’t but I do and I’m finally coming clean about some things that have been going on in my life for over two years now. I’ve written to the wonderful subscribers on my mailing list, and I even posted a Facebook note about part of it, but now I feel it is important to get it all completely in the open and my website/blog is about as open as it gets for me.
There’s several reasons why I think it’s important for me and you to “come clean.” One of the biggies is that secrets only end up hurting us. We can never hide from ourselves – try as we might.
No amount of drugs, alcohol, sex, shopping, food or whatever will ever entirely obliterate the poisonous voices inside that are all too pleased to tell us what worthless piles of you-know-what we are.
I want to line back up with my divinity. And since I’m always talking and writing and coaching about being your authentic self – I gotta finally own up to this stuff in MY OWN mind and maybe my doing that will help you own up to something in YOUR mind that’s been festering and poisoning YOU!
On the scale of dirty little secrets, it’s not a big deal (like Watergate or something) but on MY PERSONAL scale it’s probably around an 8 and it’s been making me feel “less than” for far too long.
It’s only fair to warn you this post is long. In fact it’s very long. I tried to cut it up into a series of posts, but there just didn’t seem to be any good breaking points. So, I’m gonna take the position that if you are meant to read it in its entirety – you will – and if you aren’t – you won’t! I do feel there is some extremely useful lessons in here though and assure you I would not have posted it if it was only to be self-indulgent. I do hope you will read on and hopefully find the information useful and applicable to you.
Here it is – my dirty little secret:
While keeping up the facade to the outside world that I’m a successful business owner, I’ve actually been partially paralyzed with shame believing that I’ve been a complete failure in my business as a business.
There! I said it out loud! And I’m publishing it! And that is a HUGE step in healing for me!
For the whole story to make sense to you though, I need to jump back to February 2008 when I quit my 30 yr career as a Legal Secretary. I had a dream and I believed in the Law of Attraction. I believed that I could do what I loved – which is being of Divinely Inspired service to you and helping you be less fearful, feel more safe and create and allow more love, light, joy and prosperity into their lives – and, in so doing, the money (to pay my bills) would follow.
I thought I could do it my way, the Law of Attraction way, straight up – with an open heart, with cock-eyed optimism and a Pollyana attitude. I WANTED to believe. It felt right in my very soul. And so I proceeded. I set up a website and waited for people to come. And waited. And waited.
Then I began reading and learning about the “right” way to market an online business according to [well-meaning and financially successful] internet marketers. Almost immediately, without even consciously realizing it – I fell down the proverbial rabbit hole into the land I’ll call “U R WORTHLESS.”
It is not a happy land.
It is not a land of freedom.
It is not a land of hope.
It is not a land of joy.
And it CERTAINLY is not a land of “business success”.
It was, however, a land made out of quicksand. The more I “tried” to get myself out – the deeper I sunk. What was really weird and in a way doubly hard for me, was that from a personal development/spiritual growth perspective – I could actually take a helicopter ride from time to time and look down and observe myself struggling – but yet found myself completely powerless to extricate myself from the quicksand.
However, at the same time, it has been a journey of TREMENDOUS personal growth which included ending my 14 yr marriage, selling a house (in the beginning of the real estate crash), buying my new house, renovating it into a home, the death of my Dad (and subsequent fallout from my text-book dysfunctional step-family), my sister’s breast cancer and challenges with my 23 yr old daughter.
Throughout all of that, and to a certain degree understandably so, my business remained in the proverbial dumpster. I had little or no energy for the majority of 2009 to do anything business-wise and so I didn’t. Which is perfectly OK all things considered, especially in hindsight.
But what wasn’t OK – is that despite all of my best efforts, I was unable to FEEL or BELIEVE that it WAS OK — so that all the while I was dealing with all that “personal growth” I was making myself WRONG, WRONG, WRONG for feeling crappy, crappy, crappy and scared out of my wits!
And here’s where I was really out of alignment because during that same period of time, I was teaching and coaching my clients and friends to be loving and kind to themselves! I kinda knew I was out of alignment – but as I stated before – it was like quicksand and I just couldn’t extricate myself for more than a few hours or a few days at a time, if I was lucky!
In September 2009 I decided to take a new approach business-wise and see about developing a local coaching practice rather than doing business via the internet. Here’s another part of my dirty little secret that I never wanted to admit: The truth about that decision is that I was too afraid to try the internet approach again because I was filled with angst at what I judged was my “failure.”
Good for me however, I arranged to have an office with a local holistic wellness spa (highly recommend Angel Blessings Wellness Spa if you are in Vegas!) while providing administrative support to the spa.
From a personal growth perspective, in hindsight again, that was an excellent decision. I began my way up and out of the Land of Less Than and rediscovered some self-confidence not only in my abilities to BE a full-time intuitive spiritual life coach and teacher, but I also rediscovered the exquisite joy of helping and being of service to those who wanted and needed guidance, focus and direction and support! But, it did NOT fill my appointment book with bushels of paying clients – which was part of MY definition of business “success.” And so again and still, I labeled myself a “failure” at business and continued to carry the shame.
Despite my feelings of failure however, in the Spring of this year (2010), I received a GYNORMOUS validation and confirmation from the Universe, delivered by the mailman one afternoon. I opened an enveloped addressed to me and had one of the happiest but most shocking experiences in my life! The envelope contained a lovely note and a HUGE financial windfall from a completely unexpected and highly unlikely source!
My interpretation of the divine message was LOUD and CLEAR and unmistakable: that my beliefs in forgiveness and unconditional love and in LIVING from my sacred heart place (despite the quote unquote “evidence” to the contrary of my “business failures”) – were SPOT ON and here I manifested sufficient financial resources to continue my journey for a while longer – both personally AND professionally. (I do have to say that I had done quite a bit of spiritual manifestion processes about creating money prior to this event!)
And yet, for another several months, I was still unable to make any significant business progress. I concluded my term with the spa which was the right decision at the right time for me but though I kept saying I wanted to get my new website up and running and take another shot at helping people via the internet – I was not taking the ACTIONS necessary to make that happen. I was deeply ashamed, but I didn’t want to admit that to myself, or to anyone else for that matter.
Finally, near the end of October (2010), I was guided to create a 21 Day Business Action Plan with two express intentions. The first was to physically get my new website UP, running and ANNOUNCED to the world, because frankly, I was sick and tired of making excuses to myself and feeling bad about my lack of action.
The second intention was:
“. . . to bring new energy into my business appearing as clear, precise indicators and signs of the next steps for me to take. I choose to be of service in ways that are joyful to me and beneficial to others. I want to do this work for the love of the work and I am now open to receiving money for joyfully doing work I love. As a conscious, specific, focused practice for the next 21 days, I set my intention for my sacred heart to guide me and lead me and stay fully present with me.”
I’m EXTREMELY proud to report that I kept my commitment to myself and completed the action steps! And immediately I began receiving the clear signs of my next business steps just as I intended! This article is evidence of that!
Another part of my dirty little secret however is this: I hate marketing and promoting myself the way the “experts” and “gurus” suggest! It’s taken me the better part of these past two years to figure out that I just CANNOT do it the way “they” suggest. More importantly, it’s taken me all of this time to make that decision AND give myself permission to let that be OK WITH ME!
I kept believing there was something wrong with me that I could not do a lot of the actions suggestioned by the marketing gurus. I tried changing my perspective, clearing limiting beliefs, energy healing, prayer, meditation and everything but standing on my head! But I could not fit my square peg into their round hole!
Do you know that feeling?
I finally became consciously aware of a life-pattern I have of making myself wrong when I don’t fit into someone’s prescribed way of doing things. It “should” have been blatantly obvious given all the spiritual work I’ve done on my childhood, past lives, etc. not to mention all the years of therapy! LOL!
But here’s another valuable lesson for you!
We can’t “get it” until we “get it!” And that’s EXACTLY as it is meant to be. We learn in our own ways and in our own DIVINE RIGHT TIMING! Despite our egos telling us to the contrary that we “should” have learned it faster, better, weller, sooner!
So my secret is out now.
I have tried to keep up a façade of a financially successful business owner and the truth is I am not currently financially successful in my business.
And yet again, maybe I never will be.
Either way is actually OK with me. Truly!
Because I just know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I just need to keep on keeping on being true to myself! Doing what I believe is the best thing for me at any given moment. Doing what is the MOST LOVING THING for me in the given moment. And a lot of that time – that is NOT going to line up with what the “gurus” may have to say.
But I’m finally at peace with all that. And that’s a BIG LESSON for all of us!
We cannot be at peace with ourselves unless we are fully aligned with what is in OUR OWN hearts. Forcing ourselves to align with someone else’s vision is NEVER going to bring us peace. And when we are not at peace, we cannot manifest money, clients, relationships or much of anything else.
So I WAS aligned with being at peace with myself and that is why I DID manifest the financial resources to keep me going!
But I haven’t been at peace with how to” market” my business until now.
Now, I’ve come up with my own standards and my own “rules” – according to guru Stephanie Rainbow and her Master Teachers aka The Universe/God/Divine Spirit. (If you want to read about what those new rules are . . . here’s THAT blog post )
So here’s the bottom line to help you
1. Don’t keep secrets – especially from yourself. Cop to them as soon as you become consciously aware. You just can’t hide forever and besides – why do you really want to? It’s all a game the ego plays in its effort to keep us safe. But our Higher Selves knows better because it doesn’t care about being safe – because it doesn’t have a language of fear attached to it!
2. Don’t try to fit a square peg into a round hole. It’s fair enough to stretch a little to see whether you can change your beliefs, or see things from a different perspective – but know when to say “enough is enough” . . . .if you have to twist yourself into a pretzel to make it fit – then it’s not for you – whatever “it” is. Listen to and TRUST your Divine Guidance. It may not make sense to the rest of the world, but it doesn’t have to!
3. DO follow your heart. Despite what the gurus say, the media says, your parents say/said etc. You and your God are the ultimate authorities in your life! Period! Stay aligned with that and everything will fall into place with grace and ease.
If YOU are ready to be free and have a “dirty little secret” that you are ready to release publicly — please help yourself and probably someone else also (who has the same or similar secret) by putting it in the comments section below. Or, if you prefer, I invite you to email me private at Steph @ InfiniteInnerPower.com.
Thanks for helping me on my journey by reading this and it is my sincere desire that in some way, I have helped you on yours!