A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race appear?”
The mother answered, “God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.”
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.”
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, “Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?”
The mother answered, “Well, dear, it is very simple: I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.”
A little boy was afraid of the dark.One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom. The little boy turned to his mother and said, “Mama, I don’t want to go out there. It’s dark.”
The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. “You don’t have to be afraid of the dark,” she explained. “Jesus is out there. He’ll look after you and protect you.”The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, “Are you sure he’s out there?”
“Yes, I’m sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him,” she said.
The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, “Jesus? If you’re out there, would you please hand me the broom?”
A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. Little Christopher, playing in front of his house, saw him and called out. . .
“What’ve you got in your truck?”
“Fertilizer,” the farmer replied.
“What are you going to do with it?” asked Chris
“Put it on strawberries,” answered the farmer.
“You ought to live here,” Chris advised him. . .
. . . . . “We put sugar and cream on ours.”
Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he didn’t eat much. Over time he became quite thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his diet, he wound up with very bad breath. Therefore he came to be known as a…..
“Super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.”
OK . . . . bad, very bad . . . . but cute!
A property manager of single-family residence was showing a unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions. “Professionally employed?” he asked.
“We’re a military family,” the wife answered.
“Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve,” she answered proudly.
“Oh, no,” she said earnestly. “They’re very well behaved.”
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, “Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?”
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. “I can’t dear,” she said. “I have to sleep in Daddy’s room.”
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: “The big sissy.”
Little Johnny and his friend Billy were on their very first train ride, with Billy’s mother.
Little Johnny eagerly tore open the wrapper and bit a bit off into his mouth just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across at Billy and said: “I wouldn’t eat that if I were you.”
“Why not?” asked Billy.
Little Johnny replied, “I took one bite and went blind for half a minute.”
Soon it was 5:30 and dad had the coffee brewing, the boat hooked up and he just finished packing the truck, when he noticed Shawn still wasn’t up. Furious the dad pounded on his son’s bedroom door a second time and yelled, “Jesus rose from the dead and you can’t even get out of bed!”
To which the son replies, “Yeah, but it took Jesus three days!!”
A kindergarten teacher was walking around observing her classroom of children while they were drawing pictures. As she got to one girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.”
The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.”
Without looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”
Poor Richard has worked tirelessly setting New Year’s Resolutions every January 1st.
While he’s not always the best at keeping them, he’s consistent, and he believes this year will be better than ever before.
Here’s a short history of Richard’s progress though the years!
2005: I will read at least 20 good books a year.
2006: I will read at least 10 books a year.
2007: I will read 5 books a year.
2008: I will finish The Pelican Brief
2009: I will read some articles in the newspaper this year.
2010: I will read at least one article this year.
2011: I will try and finish the comics section this year.
2005: I will get my weight down below 180.
2006: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.
2007: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200.
2008: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
2009: I will work out 5 days a week.
2010: I will work out 3 days a week.
2011: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.
2005: I will not spend my money frivolously.
2006: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.
2007: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.
2008: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt by 2009.
2009: I will be totally out of debt by 2010.
2010: I will try to pay off the debt interest by 2011.
2011: I will try to be out of the country by 2012.
2008: I will try to be a better husband to Marge.
2009: I will not leave Marge.
2010: I will try for a reconciliation with Marge.
2011: I will try to be a better husband to Wanda.
2008: I will stop looking at other women.
2009: I will not get involved with Wanda.
2010: I will not let Wanda pressure me into another marriage.
2011: I will stop looking at other women.
2008: I will not let my boss push me around.
2009: I will not let my sadistic boss drive me to the point of suicide.
2010: I will stick up for my rights when my boss bullies me.
2011: I will tell Dr. Hodger and the group about my boss.
2008: I will not get upset when Charlie makes jokes about my baldness.
2009: I will not get annoyed when Charlie kids me about my toupee.
2010: I will not get angry when Charle tells the guys I wear a girdle.
2011: I will not speak to Charlie.
2008: I will not take a drink before 5:00 p.m.
2009: I will not touch the bottle before noon.
2010: I will not become a “problem drinker”.
2011: I will not miss any AA meetings.
2008: I will see my dentist this year.
2009: I will have my cavities filled this year.
2010: I will have my root canal work done this year.
2011: I will get rid of my denture breath this year.
2008: I will go to church every Sunday.
2009: I will go to church as often as possible.
2010: I will set aside time each day for prayer and meditation.
2011: I will try to catch the late night sermonette on TV.