THE HOLY and UNHOLY PARROTS

March 11, 2011 by  
Filed under Friday Funnies


A lady goes to see her priest one day and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.” “What do they say?” the priest inquired. “They say, ‘Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun? Isn’t that awful?” the woman laments.

“That’s obscene!” the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment. “You know,” he said, “I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male parrots who talk, and I have taught them to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we’ll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship God, and your parrots are sure to stop saying… that… that indecent phrase…in no time.” “Thank you,” the woman responded, “this may very well be the solution!”

The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest’s house. As he ushered the woman in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and actually praying, their pious little faces upturned toward heaven with beaks moving slightly as they prayed intently to the Lord.

Very impressed, the woman walked over and placed her parrots inside the cage with these very devout parrots. After a few minutes, sure enough, the female parrots cried out in unison: “Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?” A long moment of silence ensued. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, “Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!”

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GENEOLOGY

March 4, 2011 by  
Filed under Friday Funnies


A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race appear?”

The mother answered, “God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.”

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.”

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, “Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?”

The mother answered, “Well, dear, it is very simple: I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.”

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Afraid of the Dark

February 25, 2011 by  
Filed under Friday Funnies

A little boy was afraid of the dark.One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom. The little boy turned to his mother and said, “Mama, I don’t want to go out there. It’s dark.”

The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. “You don’t have to be afraid of the dark,” she explained. “Jesus is out there. He’ll look after you and protect you.”The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, “Are you sure he’s out there?”

Yes, I’m sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him,” she said.

The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little.  Peering out into the darkness, he called, “Jesus? If you’re out there, would you please hand me the broom?”

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Strawberries

February 18, 2011 by  
Filed under Friday Funnies

A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. Little Christopher, playing in front of his house, saw him and called out. . .

“What’ve you got in your truck?”

“Fertilizer,” the farmer replied.

“What are you going to do with it?” asked Chris

“Put it on strawberries,” answered the farmer.

“You ought to live here,” Chris advised him. . .

. . . . . “We put sugar and cream on ours.”

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Gandhi

February 11, 2011 by  
Filed under Friday Funnies

Mahatma Gandhi was quite a spiritual person. He walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard.

Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he didn’t eat much. Over time he became quite thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his diet, he wound up with very bad breath. Therefore he came to be known as a…..

“Super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.”


OK . . . . bad, very bad . . . .  but cute! :)

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Getting That New Apartment

February 4, 2011 by  
Filed under Friday Funnies

A property manager of single-family residence was showing a unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions. “Professionally employed?” he asked.

“We’re a military family,” the wife answered.

“Children?”

“Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve,” she answered proudly.

“Animals?”

“Oh, no,” she said earnestly. “They’re very well behaved.”

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Thunderstorm

January 28, 2011 by  
Filed under Friday Funnies

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was  tucking her small boy into bed.  She was about to turn off the  light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, “Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?”

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. “I can’t  dear,” she said.  “I have to sleep in Daddy’s room.”

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: “The big sissy.”

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First Chocolate Bar

January 21, 2011 by  
Filed under Friday Funnies

Little Johnny and his friend Billy were on their very first train ride, with Billy’s mother.

A vendor came down the corridor selling a candy bar that neither had ever seen before. Billy’s mom bought each one of them a bar.

Little Johnny eagerly tore open the wrapper and bit a bit off into his mouth just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across at Billy and said: “I wouldn’t eat that if I were you.”

“Why not?” asked Billy.

Little Johnny replied, “I took one bite and went blind for half a minute.”

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LAZY SON

January 14, 2011 by  
Filed under Friday Funnies

It was 5:00 a.m and the father went to his son Shawn’s bedroom door, knocked and said, “Son, it’s time to get up!   Jump in the shower and we’ve got to leave ASAP to catch any fish.”

Soon it was 5:30 and dad had the coffee brewing, the boat hooked up and he just finished packing the truck, when he noticed Shawn still wasn’t up. Furious the dad pounded on his son’s bedroom door a second time and yelled,  “Jesus rose from the dead and you can’t even get out of bed!”

To which the son replies, “Yeah, but it took Jesus three days!!”

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Drawing God

January 7, 2011 by  
Filed under Friday Funnies

A kindergarten teacher was walking around observing her classroom of children while they were drawing pictures. As she got to one girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.”

The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.”

Without looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”

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