An elderly lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when young man in his vintage red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for.
The little old lady was so upset that she went up to the man and said, “I was going to park there!
The man was a real smart aleck and he said, “That’s what you can do when you’re young and bright.”
Well, this really upset the lady even more, so she got in her car and backed it up and then she stomped on the gas and plowed right into his Mercedes.
The young man ran back to his car and screamed, “What did you do that for?”
She smiled and told him, “That’s what you can do when you’re old and rich!”
Saving a Bear
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn t really that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do a seven-day experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear and preach to it.
Seven days later, they re all together to discuss the experience. Father O Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. Wellll, he says, in a fine Irish brouge, Ey wint oot into th wooods to fynd me a bearr. Oond when Ey fund him Ey began to rread to him from the Baltimorre Catechism. Welll, thet bearr wanted naught to do wi me und begun to slap me aboot. So I quick grrabbed me holy water and, THE SAINTS BE PRAISED, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is cooming oot next wik to give him fierst communion und confierrmation.
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he proclaimed, WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don t sprinkle…WE DUNK! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God s HOOOOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. I SAY NO! He wanted NOTHING to do with me. So I took HOOOLD of him and we began to rassle. We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we come to a crick. So I quick DUNK him and BAPTIZE his hairy soul. An jus like you sez, he wuz gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God s HOOOOLY word .
They both look down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him.
The rabbi looks up and says, Oy! You don t know what tough is until you try to circumcise one of those creatures!
Did you hear about the NEW Wine for Seniors?
A single glass at night could mean a peaceful, uninterrupted night sleep!
California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.
I just couldn’t help it!!
I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE!!
As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards him. His boat is a ways off and he starts swimming like crazy. He’s scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the great white beast open revealing its teeth in a horrific splendor, the atheist screams, “Oh God! Save me!”
In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, “You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?”
Aghast with confusion and knowing he can’t lie the man replies, “Well, that’s true I don’t believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?”
The Lord replies, “As you wish,” and the light retracted back into the heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again.
As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back.
Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its head and says, “Thank you Lord for this food for which I am about to receive…”
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. The 6 year old asks, “You know what? I think it’s about time we started cussing.” The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues, “When we go downstairs for breakfast, I’m gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass.” The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, the 6 yr old replies, “Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I’ll have some Cheerios.
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, “You can stay there until I let you out!”
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, “And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?”
“I don’t know,” he blubbers, “but you can bet your big ass it won’t be Cheerios!”
[Thanks to Jerry Banks for this! ]
Molly put up her hand and said, ‘My family went to my granddad’s farm and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.’
The teacher said, ‘That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate, not fascinating’.
Sally raised her hand. She said, ‘My family went to see Rock City and I was ‘fascinated.’
The teacher said, ‘Well, That was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate.’
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word ’fascinate’, so she called on him.
Johnny said, ‘My Aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight.’
The teacher sat down and cried.
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken-down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale”. He rings the doorbell, and the owner
appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes round the back and sees a nice-looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
‘You talk?‘ he asks.
‘Yep,’ the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says ‘So, what’s your story?’
The Lab looks up and tells his story:
‘Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young…..I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.
‘In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one had figured a dog would be eavesdropping.’
‘I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running… But the jetting-around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger, so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings, and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
‘Ten dollars,’ the owner says.
‘Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him
so cheap?’ the guy says.
The owner replied, ‘Because he’s a liar. He never did any of that stuff.”
The Pope arrives at JFK and he’s met at a baggage claim by a driver in a bad suit and a clip-on tie, holding a hand-lettered sign that says, “Pope.” After getting all the Pope’s luggage loaded in the limousine—and His Holiness does not travel light—the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. “Hey, Mr. Pope,” says the driver, “why have you not seated yourself in the limo?”
“Well, to tell you the truth,” says the Pope, “they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I’d really like to drive.” “That is very much against the rules!” protested the driver. “There might be something extra in it for you,” said the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver got in the back as the Pope sat behind the wheel. The driver quickly regretted his decision when, after clearing the airport, the Pope accelerated the limo to 105 mph. “Please slow down, Mr. Pope,” pleaded the worried driver, but the Pope kept the pedal to the metal.
Then they heard the siren. “Oh, my God, now I am surely gonna lose my license,” moaned the driver.
The Pope pulled over and rolled down the window as the patrolman approached, but the cop took one look at him, went back to his motorcycle, and got on the radio. “I need to talk to the Chief,” he said to the dispatcher.
When the Chief got on the radio, the cop told him that he’d stopped a limo going a hundred and five. “So bust him,” said the Chief.
“I think the guy’s a big shot,” said the cop. “All the more reason then” replied the Chief.
“No, I mean really a big shot,” said the cop. “What’d ya got there, the Mayor?” “Bigger.” “Governor?” “Bigger than that.”
“Well,” said the Chief, “who is it, then?”
“I don’t know,” said the cop. “But he’s got the Pope driving for him.”
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun had posted a note on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.”
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note: “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”
A lady goes to see her priest one day and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.” “What do they say?” the priest inquired. “They say, ‘Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?‘ Isn’t that awful?” the woman laments.
“That’s obscene!” the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment. “You know,” he said, “I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male parrots who talk, and I have taught them to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we’ll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship God, and your parrots are sure to stop saying… that… that indecent phrase…in no time.” “Thank you,” the woman responded, “this may very well be the solution!”
The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest’s house. As he ushered the woman in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and actually praying, their pious little faces upturned toward heaven with beaks moving slightly as they prayed intently to the Lord.
Very impressed, the woman walked over and placed her parrots inside the cage with these very devout parrots. After a few minutes, sure enough, the female parrots cried out in unison: “Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?” A long moment of silence ensued. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, “Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!”