A Challenging Golf Game

June 17, 2011 by  
Filed under Friday Funnies

A Challenging Golf Game

Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but kept rolling directly toward a water hazard. Moses quickly raised his club, the water parted and the ball rolled to the other side, safe and sound.

 

Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long drive directly toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball back onto the green.

 

The third guy got up and sort of randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and veered toward a nearby tree.  From there, the ball bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drainspout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a little stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly.

 

Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumped up on the lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog screamed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the cup for a hole in one.

 

Moses turned to Jesus and said:  “I hate playing with your Dad.”

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THE MONKS’ MISTAKE!

June 10, 2011 by  
Filed under Friday Funnies

 

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, not the original books. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.

The head monk says “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.” So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.

Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him.

He hears a sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books and crying. He asks what’s wrong.

“The word is ‘celebrate’,” says the old monk!

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ROAD RAGE

June 3, 2011 by  
Filed under Friday Funnies

ROAD RAGE

An elderly lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when young man in his vintage red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for.

The little old lady was so upset that she went up to the man and said, “I was going to park there!

The man was a real smart aleck and he said, “That’s what you can do when you’re young and bright.”

Well, this really upset the lady even more, so she got in her car and backed it up and then she stomped on the gas and plowed right into his Mercedes.

The young man ran back to his car and screamed, “What did you do that for?”

She smiled and told him, “That’s what you can do when you’re old and rich!”

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A PRIEST, A PREACHER, A RABBI and a BEAR

May 27, 2011 by  
Filed under Friday Funnies

Saving a Bear

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn t really that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do a seven-day experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear and preach to it.

 

Seven days later, they re all together to discuss the experience. Father O Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. Wellll, he says, in a fine Irish brouge, Ey wint oot into th wooods to fynd me a bearr. Oond when Ey fund him Ey began to rread to him from the Baltimorre Catechism. Welll, thet bearr wanted naught to do wi me und begun to slap me aboot. So I quick grrabbed me holy water and, THE SAINTS BE PRAISED, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is cooming oot next wik to give him fierst communion und confierrmation.

 

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he proclaimed, WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don t sprinkle…WE DUNK! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God s HOOOOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. I SAY NO! He wanted NOTHING to do with me. So I took HOOOLD of him and we began to rassle. We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we come to a crick. So I quick DUNK him and BAPTIZE his hairy soul. An jus like you sez, he wuz gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God s HOOOOLY word .

 

They both look down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him.

 

The rabbi looks up and says, Oy! You don t know what tough is until you try to circumcise one of those creatures!

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NEW WINE FOR SENIORS & SENIORitas

May 20, 2011 by  
Filed under Friday Funnies

Did you hear about the NEW Wine for Seniors?

A single glass at night could mean a peaceful, uninterrupted night sleep!

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.

It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as . . .

I just couldn’t help it!!

I  HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE!!

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THE ATHEIST AND THE SHARK

May 13, 2011 by  
Filed under Friday Funnies

An atheist is  swimming in the ocean. All of the sudden he sees a  shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat.

As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards him. His boat is a ways off and he starts swimming like crazy. He’s scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the great white beast open revealing its teeth in a horrific splendor, the atheist screams, “Oh God! Save me!”

In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, “You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?”

Aghast with confusion and knowing he can’t lie the man replies, “Well, that’s true I don’t believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?”

The Lord replies, “As you wish,” and the light retracted back into the heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again.

As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back.

Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its head and says, “Thank you Lord for this food for which I am about to receive…”

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LITTLE JOHNNY’S COUSINS

May 6, 2011 by  
Filed under Friday Funnies

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. The 6 year old asks, “You know what? I think it’s about time we started cussing.” The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

The 6 year old continues, “When we go downstairs for breakfast, I’m gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass.” The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, the 6 yr old replies, “Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I’ll have some Cheerios.

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, “You can stay there until I let you out!”

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, “And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?”

“I don’t know,” he blubbers, “but you can bet your big ass it won’t be Cheerios!”

[Thanks to Jerry Banks for this! ]

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LITTLE JOHNNY AT IT AGAIN!

April 15, 2011 by  
Filed under Friday Funnies

The teacher asked the class to use the word ‘fascinate’ in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, ‘My family went to my granddad’s farm and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.’

The teacher said, ‘That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate, not fascinating’.

Sally raised her hand. She said, ‘My family went to see Rock City and I was ‘fascinated.’

The teacher said, ‘Well, That was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate.’

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word  ’fascinate’, so she called on him.

Johnny said, ‘My Aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight.’

The teacher sat down and cried.



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TALKING DOG FOR SALE

April 8, 2011 by  
Filed under Friday Funnies

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a  broken-down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale”.  He rings the doorbell, and the owner
appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes round the back and sees a nice-looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

‘You talk?‘ he asks.

‘Yep,’ the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says ‘So, what’s your story?’

The Lab looks up and tells his story:

‘Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young…..I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.

‘In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one had figured a dog would be eavesdropping.’

‘I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running… But the jetting-around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger, so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings, and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”

The guy is amazed.  He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

‘Ten dollars,’ the owner says.

‘Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him
so cheap?’
the guy says.

The owner replied, ‘Because he’s a liar.  He never did any of that stuff.”

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THE POPE AND THE LIMO DRIVER

April 1, 2011 by  
Filed under Friday Funnies


The Pope arrives at JFK and he’s met at a baggage claim by a driver in a bad suit and a clip-on tie, holding a hand-lettered sign that says, “Pope.” After getting all the Pope’s luggage loaded in the limousine—and His Holiness does not travel light—the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. “Hey, Mr. Pope,” says the driver, “why have you not seated yourself in the  limo?”

“Well, to tell you the truth,” says the Pope, “they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I’d really like to drive.” “That is very much against the rules!” protested the driver. “There might be something extra in it for you,” said the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver got in the back as the Pope sat behind the wheel. The driver quickly regretted his decision when, after clearing the airport, the Pope accelerated the limo to 105 mph. “Please slow down, Mr. Pope,” pleaded the worried driver, but the Pope kept the pedal to the metal.

Then they heard the siren. “Oh, my God, now I am surely gonna lose my license,” moaned the driver.

The Pope pulled over and rolled down the window as the patrolman approached, but the cop took one look at him, went back to his motorcycle, and got on the radio. “I need to talk to the Chief,” he said to the dispatcher.

When the Chief got on the radio, the cop told him that he’d stopped a limo going a hundred and five. “So bust him,” said the Chief.

“I think the guy’s a big shot,” said the cop. “All the more reason then” replied the Chief.

“No, I mean really a big shot,” said the cop. “What’d ya got there, the Mayor?” “Bigger.” “Governor?” “Bigger than that.”

“Well,” said the Chief, “who is it, then?”

“I don’t know,” said the cop. “But he’s got the Pope driving for him.”

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