A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.
So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch. The dachshund thinks, “OK, I’m in deep trouble now!”
Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here.”
Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. “Whew,” says the leopard. “That was close. That dachshund nearly had me.” Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.
So, off he goes.
But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine.”
Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, “What am I going to do now?” But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet … and, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says . . .
“Where’s that darn monkey? Sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard.”
REST IN PEACEFUL FLOW
A funeral director asked a young, new minister to hold a grave side service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be at a cemetery way out in the country. This was a new cemetery and the homelass man was the first to be laid to rest there.
The new minister was not familiar with the area and became lost. Being a typical man, of course, he did not ask for directions. He finally found the cemetery about an hour late. The back hoe was there and the crew was eating their lunch. The hearse was nowhere to be seen.
The minister apologized to the workers for being late. As he looked into the open grave, he saw the vault lid already in place. He told the workers he would not keep them long, but that this was the proper thing to do. The workers, still eating their lunch, gathered around the opening.
The new minister was young and enthusiastic and poured out his heart and soul as he preached. The workers joined in with, “Praise the Lord,” “Amen,” and “Glory!” The minister was so into the service that he preached and preached and preached, from Genesis to The Revelation.
When the service was over, he said a final prayer and walked to his car. As he opened the door, he heard one of the workers say:
This particular Wizard worked in a modern factory. He was happy about everything at work, except that some of his co-workers took advantage of his good nature, and would occasionally steal his parking spot.
This continued until the Wizard put up the following sign:
This parking space belongs to the Wizard!
Violators will be TOAD!
A man lay dying and he began to yell out, “I need a priest, I need a priest!”
Another man came along and asked what was wrong.
The dying man said, “I need a priest to give me last rites, I’m dying.”
“There are no priests around here, but maybe I can help.” I’m not a religious person myself, but I have lived next to the Catholic Church my whole life and I hear their ritual all the time. I think that I can say it for you.”
The dying man said, “Thank You.”
So the helpful man leaned close to the dying man and in a soft voice repeated the ritual as he has heard it so many times:
“B-6, N-33, G-52, I-24,
Q: How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?
Now, think about it…
Scroll down, you’ll love this……….
10 little piggies,
an unknown number of hares!
Life is too short to wake up with regrets.
“So love the people who treat you right.
Forget about the ones who don’t, cuz . . .
Life isn’t about how you survived the storm…
it’s about how you danced in the rain!
A preacher went to visit an elderly woman from his church who had just had an operation. As he was sitting there talking with her, he noticed a bowl of peanuts on the stand next to the bed. He began to eat them, and soon it was time for him to leave.
When he got up he noticed he had eaten all of her peanuts.
“Sister Jones,”he said” I’m sorry I ate all of your peanuts.”
She replied “That’s okay pastor, I already sucked all of the chocolate off of them.”
What did one flag say to the other flag?
Nothing. It just waved!
Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington?
Because the horse was too heavy to carry!
Why did the British cross the Atlantic?
To get to the other tide!
What would you get if you crossed a patriot with a small curly-haired dog?
Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell?
Yeah, it cracked me up!
What happened as a result of the Stamp Act?
The Americans licked the British!
Teacher: “Which son of old Virginia wrote the Declaration of Independence?”
Student: “I think it was Thomas Jeffer’s son.”
What did King George think of the American colonists?
He thought they were revolting!
What’s red, white, blue, and green?
A patriotic pickle!
What did the visitor say as he left the Statue of Liberty?
Keep in torch!”
What ghost haunted King George III?
The spirit of ’76!
What kind of tea did the American colonists thirst for?
What dance was very popular in 1776?
Teacher: “Who wrote `Oh say, can you see?”‘
Student: “An eye doctor?”
How is a healthy person like the United States?
They both have good constitutions!
A Jewish businessman in Chicago sent his son to Israel for a year to absorb the culture. When the son
returned, he said, “Papa, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity.”
“Oy vey,” said the father. “What have I done?” He took his problem to his best friend.
“Ike,” he said, “I sent my son to Israel, and he came home a Christian. What can I do?”
“Funny you should ask,” said Ike. “I, too, sent my son to Israel, and he also came home a
Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi.” So, they did, and they explained their problem to the rabbi.
“Funny you should ask,” said the rabbi. “I, too, sent my son to Israel, and he also came home a
Christian. What is happening to our young people?”
And so they all prayed, telling the Lord about their sons. As they finished their prayer, a voice came from the heavens:
“Funny you should ask,” said The Voice.
“I, too, sent my son to Israel . . . “
A Challenging Golf Game
Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but kept rolling directly toward a water hazard. Moses quickly raised his club, the water parted and the ball rolled to the other side, safe and sound.
Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long drive directly toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball back onto the green.
The third guy got up and sort of randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and veered toward a nearby tree. From there, the ball bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drainspout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a little stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly.
Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumped up on the lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog screamed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the cup for a hole in one.
Moses turned to Jesus and said: “I hate playing with your Dad.”
A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, not the original books. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.
The head monk says “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.” So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.
Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him.
He hears a sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books and crying. He asks what’s wrong.
“The word is ‘celebrate’,” says the old monk!